you're the one, June. i realized that from the moment i first kissed you. but i suppose that isnt suprising. of course we're young. but i have never felt sopeaceful, as i do with you.

yet, ive said this before to someone. she was special to me, almost as much as you are.
almost

her name was kylie. she was so beautiful. her blond hair almost glowed in the sun. and her blue eyes, they felt like they pierced my soul ever so slightly.

we met two years after my..... incident. no one knew, but it seemed as if they could tell. i thought i hid the scars well, but they still seemed to see them.

and then, one day, she just walked up to me and said hi. she seemed intrigued by me. as i was with her. i looked up, and i wondered for a second if it was worth it. if i should allow myself to be honest to one person in my life. so, i simply made a joke. her smile was almost like yours, June.
almost.

i loved her. and i think, at least then, she loved me. i trusted her. more than anyone, ever in my life. except, of course, you June. she never talked behind my back. she always seemed to listen.

but she was always so hesitant. as if she thought i knew something about her she didnt want me to know. sometimes, her mind would wander. she would stare into blank nothingness, and when i asked her what was wrong, she would jump a little, and stutter what was probably a lie. i never once saw her parents. i asked her about them, once. she looked like she was about to cry, so i didnt push. maybe i should have.

one day, i was walking to my job. i needed a reason not to go home, so i wouldnt remember those bad thoughts. then i saw her. and Him. kissing. they didnt see me. how unfortunate.. maybe he wouldnt have gotten that broken jaw, and passed out.

and then her. she knew what she had done. i looked at her. she looked at me. i may have overreacted. im sure as hell you would too. i loved her. LOVED HER. and she knew it. didnt even have the damn decency to at least break my heart with closure. and i called her a whore. and a lying bitch. i didnt cry. she did. i regret it now. she didnt deserve it. after all, she was only human. how was she to know that i was serious. that i DID love her. how was she to know, that when i said i needed her, i meant it.

i never hit her. im not so pitiful as to hit a broken woman. i left her. to rot in her thoughts. and she did. to this day i regret it. maybe, if i had stayed there, she wouldnt have been so sad. maybe she wouldnt have gone into her aunt's drawer and taken her Pills. maybe she wouldnt have taken all twenty-two. and maybe, i could still say im sorry.

so, June, maybe now you can truly understand why i did what i did. why i still do what i do. because i can never lose someone, not like that, again.  i cant stand to lose someone i love again, June. then everything would just be.... empty. even death wouldnt be escape.

thats why i saved you.

and thats why i still need you to save me, June.